Friends

I will no longer pick friends that are losers and have no other friends.

I will pick friends that like me and I like for their humor.

I will cease to push away people that are perfect for the good-me, in favor of people who are perfect for the bad-me.

If I be the average of my five friends, then let me have 5 awesome people instead of 2 awesome people and 3 losers.

Or 3 awesome people, 1 fallen awesome person, and 1 average joe.

What do I really want?

I have asked for things not expecting them.

Grandiose anchor prices, outlandish desires.

The moment of victory is followed by remorse.

Why did I bargain for a grandiose thing, when it is not what I really wanted?

But I do not want anything, therefore, I ask for grandiose things as a proxy for true desire.

I will hike Mt. Everest because I am confused.

I will ride a motorcycle across the USA because I am lost.

I will run 56 miles because that is something people can reference when they speak of me.

I will run 56 miles because that is something I can reference when I think of myself.

But why did I pursue that reference as a reference.  There were other references I could have defined.

Why did I choose that reference to speak for me.

How did I get this resume?  Choice or proxy for choice.

Too scared to decide, I'll let online bucket lists form a man?

Now I am hitting 30, and I wonder if I am on a trajectory that is running away like a wild train, like our national debt. 

Okay, I'll stay on this train, because it is fast and majestic.  But I would like to be in a cabin on a lake going -2 mph, useless to society, but useful to myself.

That is maturity?  Doing things you don't want to do, because the future mandates it.  Then when the future becomes the present, we wither?